Screwed

Murphy Bhai said, "If a thing can go wrong, it does"!! But there is more to this bitter truth, "If a thing goes wrong, it does it with panache". The enlightenment happened, albeit the halo missing, almost ten hours ago (the time of writing this is 13:30GMT on September 18, 2009 - do the maths - the subsequent time/date are in Indian Standard Time)!!

Flashback !! Woke up around 6 in the morning and trust me, i can count on fingers the number of times I have woken up at such hours in my life !! It was payback time for the last night euphoria !! To cut long story short, I had a mid-term exam starting at 08:45 and last night booze was flowing through my veins, aortas, nerves and what not !! The eyes were heavy, head - the heaviest, feet - the lightest. Standing up on those light limbs was turning out to be lot more than what I had bargained for, but somehow managed to do it. The other thing with booze is that it sucks out even the last molecules of water from your body, and it does not matter whether you drink 10 litres or 15, you still feel to have one more gulp, but thy stomach gives up !!

So, I reached the exam hall by 8:30, i guess. People were arranging themselves according to their plans of convenience and level of preparation. I just sat somewhere randomly and was still trying to cope with the banging in my head, but to no avail.


My eyes were getting heavier and sleepier with each passing second. Finally, the question paper was distributed and I immediately started with the 1st question, without even giving a proper glance to the paper and going through other questions superficially (which I usually do). The working was to be done on Microsoft Excel.

I don't know how many of you have heard this, but this is how it went:

"Bill Gates, in an auto expo, once commented, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon". In response to which General Motors (GM - for morons who are wondering) issued a press release stating, "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off."

The damn Excel was in no mood to work !! Beat me !! It started giving error message, which said something like, "memory not available" !!! 120GB of hard disk left to fill and "no memory" !! Hail Microsoft !!

Being a "trial and always error" expert, i tried endlessly for 15 minutes in an one hour exam but, boy, do Microsoft people make stable software, the damn error was in mood to go away !! But there is one golden rule which never fails to fail you, like tilting of scooters at 45degrees to get them started, RESTART the damn system !!

I don't know how many of you noticed this, when you want windows to start immediately, it takes its own sweet time, especially VISTA (I would like to know who at Microsoft thought that VISTA would be a revolutionary product ???!!!!) !!

After zillions of second, the system was up and running, and so was Microsoft Excel !! There was no time to celebrate thy smartness and ingenuity, the damn sand was running out too fast !! So, I started working on the questions. Now, somehow (well not exactly somehow :) ), it skipped my mind that I also needed to write the answers on the answer sheet, and I took my own sweet time in solving the questions (though two out of four questions were solved wrongly which i found out later). Suddenly, it was announced that I had got 9 more minutes to finish my paper and that's when it stuck me, "Who will write the damn answers!!"


But then there was no pen to be found !! "So, I have come to a mid-term exam without a pen or a pencil ?? WOW !!", I marveled and could not help to slip out a smile. So, it was time to borrow a pen. But, this is the season of austerity, you see, no one in the damn class was carrying an extra pen and only one of the invigilators was carrying pen which he was using to sign the answer sheets !! Told him my predicament, and "bun of a stitch" actually thought for two minutes before passing me his pen !! Five minutes left and a blank answer sheet !!" :) ", Yeah! I was not able to help it again!! One sick mind, I am !!

After that followed a five minute fury, of which I don't remember much!! What I remember is that somehow I was able to walk back to my hostel room, bunked the classes and slept like a pig for four hours !! You know, when you wake up after a nice and truly deserving sleep, the world seems at peace !! I felt something similar and then thought that it was time to improve upon the work of Murphy Bhai. Then what followed is what you have just read !!

Feliz Lectura!

The Middle Word

Let me begin this by asking a question, a very simple one, "Do you have any regrets in life?" Think.

There is a very famous Chinese paradox which says, "There is no greater power than having the foresight of a hindsight!!" Tell me, answer me, If you were to be given a power to change your life, your deeds and actions of past, the moments gone by, would you really wield that power?

Perhaps, all of us would wield that power with utmost furiousness in our first thoughts. But ponder a little, and you would begin to doubt your very first thoughts. Yes, there might have been few circumstances which had not been favourable to you, and you would like to change the dictum of those moments. But are you really ready to take that tortuous route? Are you really ready to face the consequences of your actions which are visible to you in shorter means but are nothing but a dark haze enfolding the rest of your life? Are you really sure that you would stick to this new journey of life and would not like to change it again, if provided with the power to do so? Confused? Wondering? Thinking? Good!

Allow me, to succinct some more. Think of one moment in life, that one moment, which you would really like to change in your life. There is got to be some moment, at the least one, which you would like to change. Take your time, dig up that moment.

Done? Now, take that moment, and change it the way you want it to. What do you foresee? A picturesque life of beauty and happiness in the twilight of your actions. What after that? How is the life beyond that moment? Can you see it? Is it crystal? No, it is not, but you would like to believe that it is a beautiful life. Now, the question is, are you ready to trade off that belief and hope of a beautiful life with the life which you have lived and have been living?

There is nothing more fascinating than the thought of a glorious future, and there is nothing more enchanting than the power to have a glorious past! And, both are so intertwined to each other, that it is barely impossible to make a distinction. We will always be in constant questioning of our actions and would always be speculative of our destiny. There is no nectar quenching this thirst of human inquisitiveness. We are servants of our thoughts, and not masters as you might like to believe or have been taught. If we are anything at master of, it is our actions. What we choose to do and act is completely and solely our decision. No one can take that away from us.

But you might be the master of your actions but are you free to do what you want to do? Are you ? The answer is no. So, then how come you could be the master of your actions, when you do not have a free hand in doing what you want to do?

Choice, it is the key. At every moment, when we have to act, when we have to decide, life presents us with choices. And we decide. We pick one path and then life meanders along that path. But we keep wondering about the others paths that we did not choose, the ones which were present before us and about the future that those paths might have been treasuring for us. No one has the answer. Not even GOD, because what you do, what you choose to act, every moment, also this very moment, right now when your are reading, takes this entire universe into a different realm. Every second, every action that you are doing is constantly changing this universe into a completely different and unique dominion and there is no way to go back and beyond, but to just speculate and wonder.

And then, you ask yourself, did I make a right choice?

Yes, you did.

"What you did was the right thing to do, otherwise you would not have done so. And what you did not do was not the right thing to do hence that shall not bother you, but it will always do. So, let it be.

We always do and try to do the best of our abilities and capabilities. Everyone wants to be a winner. But everyone cannot be a winner, and never all the time. It might descend upon us at times that our choices have not yielded the most fruitful of lives! But, life is no garden of fruits, life is a journey, a road along which comes many gardens, barren lands, seas, mountains, deserts, rivers, plateaus, fields, and that’s the beauty of it. Why loose it in search of fruits only. No one is perfect, but every one makes a right decisions all the time, best to his abilities. And whatever you are and whatever you have is because of the choices you made and what you chose to do. And perhaps, you might argue for better things on part of different choices which you might have made. But there is no way, absolutely no way to assure you that other choices would have landed more fruits in your lap than what you have right now. Perhaps, you could have been better off, and in equal measure, perhaps, you could have been worse. There is no denying or curbing that instinctive thought of hindsight, that act of retrospection, but do not yield to it. Look upto your future, which in itself is a very intoxicating thought, and which awaits you at every juncture with numerous possibilities and abundant of choices.

Before I ward off, remember this, if you don’t know it, "IF" is the middle word in LIFE !! And, that’s what it will always remain – The Middle Word !

Gracias !

Just opinion-ating

Just opinion-ating

I mean, what’s wrong with fellas these days !!

Just look at that fella, not that smart or intelligent so, but sincere, I say. Looks stupid though. The fella is getting married. I mean whats wrong with him. Its not marriage suckers, it’s the damn bride. Have you ever thought of a person to whom you would never like to like, come what may, that’s what I am talking about. But then, hey, I hardly know that to be bride fella. Yeah, she is snobbish, stamping all over your foot, and real truckload heavy but I don’t know her you see. Have conversed like 263 words with her in my entire life, not enough to enlighten you. Don’t know her full name also, you see. And her credentials are one damn blackish black hole. But then, sometimes, you aint need all this crap, you just happen to know it; like that stupid sincere fella is in for some life. I know it.

Then there are fellas, suddenly getting all serious and grave about life. You don’t need that. Wants to turn a new chapter, a new phase of life. I mean, whats all that. I know life sucks, but these fellas hold greater promise of sucking in life, than my neighbour’s good old labra can ever think of. Son of a bitch hates me, I tell ya. But then, thy shall check out the lady holding the leash on those wonderful late evening strolls. A real candy, I say. But then these suckers come up and tell you, what fella, you again up to the old thing of watching and staring? Aint you done with it? I mean, who has asked for their god damn advise. But then, hey, if you are not “opinion-ating” enough shit out, you ain’t doing any good with your life. That’s what they would like me to believe, crap me but I ain’t buying that.

Then, there are your folks, all cuddly, lovely and caring. I mean, back off a little fellas, let the damn air rush in. I ain’t going to understand this mystery ever. I mean, whats wrong with unsuccessfulness. Agreed, success looks good, smart, all tied up. But then, whats wrong with not being successful ! You tried, you failed. Or better, you knew you were going to fail, hence not tried. Smart, I say. But these fellas think otherwise. They are always after you, you see. Always encouraging you, pushing you, trying to hope you out of hopelessness. I mean, come on, if I were to be so damn encouraged, pushed and hoped for, then I would not be in this position, in the first place, to hear all this crap. But these fellas, I tell you, are spirited lot. They go on and on. The fat lady has died singing but their record never stops. I mean, who needs that truck load of expectations and promises; but every fella is made to carry his or her own share of shit-load. And, then they say, life stinks. You are god damn carrying the shit, so it ain’t gonna dance you see, its gonna stink !!

Few days ago, there was Some Day. Some special day, you see. There were programs and celebration, all over the newspapers and television. It was something about liberation of some fellas in this world. They have been supposed to be exploited, enslaved and treated badly since ever. And then one fine day, one brilliant fella, comes up with an idea to liberate them. Then that fella along with some of his likeminded fellas come up with this day, where they will celebrate the liberation, you see, all booze, dance and party; god damn the fact whether those fellas have been liberated or not. And then this day has become a big celebration day over the years. The party is bigger, more booze and more dance, you see. Even those Exploited, Enslaved And Treated Badly Fellas (EEATBF) have joined the celebration. Some come as they have been liberated and some have come for some booze and dance. I don’t know what the fuss is all about. I mean, these fellas have been liberated as long as my mind goes. I mean, forget the dokie past, live in present fellas. Those EEATBF have come a long way. And anyhow, this Some Day smacks of a bias and prejudice. I mean, the world is flat, says Thomas Friedmann, you see. Lets have some equality here fellas, but these fellas I tell you, don’t even want to believe the big shit Tommy boy, and they are planning to celebrate this Some Day even bigger next year !!

The more and more I am knowing these fellas, I tell you, its driving me more and more towards something. I don’t know whats that something, but it ain’t pretty, that’s for sure. Its not that I hate these fellas or despise them or don’t like them. But they are nuts, you have to give them that.

And then there is this fella, my favourite, you see. Thinks of himself to to be the the newtonest and einstenest of all fellas ever born. Always right you see. Thinks he has read enough than the world has written since Dinosaurs were fucking blown away by that god sent comet. Always advising, preaching, smiling, winning and doing. I mean, get a life fella. Don’t you get tired of your inflated life. But this fella I tell you, always smiles at me when I ask him all these. I feel like smashing the kidneys out his brains, but god damn the laws and the courts!! But you know what, that fella is as lost, as I am. He always keeps looking at me, though he will never accept or deny it. But he will keep following me, observing my lostness, my failure, my not-doing and wonder what still makes me tick. I tell you, the fella thinks, though would never admit, that I am a god damn angel of free spirit, but boy, is he in to surprise a god damn ostrich out of himself !!! Only if he knew, how fuckingly we complete and complement each other. Says Nietzsche. That god damn grain of wisdom was not mine, if you are still clapping. And Nietzsche also says that all fellas know this, but they will not admit it. Its not that they will deny it or oppose it, but they will just not accept it. Beats me.

But I have been getting this feeling, that bad feeling you always get in your stomach without any reason, that these fellas have finally worked out Nietzsche. I feel sorry for Nietzsche. I mean, the fella gave up his entire life to come up and out with the most complex, absurd and pathetic of theories and thoughts ever. I mean, on his death bed, he must have liked himself a lot for his grand achievement, must have felt like kissing himself. And now these fellas are all set to robe him out of his eternal happiness. “How”, you say? I don’t know fellas !!

But I tell you, there is something wrong with fellas these days !!